Motherhood is such a funny thing. It feels like every day is an eternity, and then you blink and your babies are all of the sudden big!
After my first baby, in the midst of a painful, long labor I screamed, “he’s going to be an only child!” During the birth of my second, I desperately pleaded to my husband, “Two is enough right?!” Both of them were colicky babies who seemed to never sleep. But we decided, what’s one more?! So along came my Sullivan John, and to my surprise, he was an angel baby! He was sweet, snuggly, and I was in heaven. Levi and Everett were amazing big brothers, and my heart could of burst. About a month after my Sully Bean was born, I knew I wanted another. My husband thought I was crazy, but of course was willing.
So that brings us to today! I now have my fourth baby, Carver Elton. Four healthy little boys! (Overall anyway… three of them currently have ear infections!) Adding a fourth was challenging for sure. My oldest was 4 years old when Carver was born. Most nights, I long for a minute to myself and for everyone to sleep through the night or at least half of them. The endless laundry, dishes, and cleaning is exhausting. The struggle is real! Most of the time, I feel like I’m in survival mode trying not to drop any of the million balls I’m juggling.
But now my baby is 6 months old, and I want it all to stop. I want time to freeze! My heart is aching! Can we really be done having babies?!
My milk supply with this baby was never great, but it is really dwindling now. I hated nursing with the first two babies, but the second two babies were different. I think I matured a little, relaxed a little, and nursing just worked. The third times the charm I suppose. For the past week or so, I’ve been debating stopping because at this point he honestly doesn’t have much interest, and I’m producing next to nothing. This morning I didn’t pump, he didn’t want to nurse, and I told myself I was done. But by early afternoon, I found myself pumping. Then, I was at the store buying Brewers Yeast to try to make protein balls to boost my milk supply. I used to say over and over how much I hated nursing and pumping. I couldn’t wait to be done with it. And now, what I wouldn’t give to nurse my baby!
My boys drive me bonkers! As I type they’re screaming, running, and jumping on my couch even though I’ve told them to stop more times than I can count. But I really don’t want them to get any bigger. You know the famous saying, “the days are long, but the years are short”?! The ones us mamas in the trenches roll our eyes at. How many times I’ve heard that from moms with their own babies all grown, and in my mind I think that’ll never happen to my boys. They’ll always stay little. And while I know they’re still pretty little, I’m afraid to blink.
My baby is 6 months old. No more newborn cuddles and possibly no more nursing. He’s sitting up and playing and cuing and getting way too big way too quickly. I find myself starring at his chubby thighs, dimply cheeks, tiny hands and feet, trying to memorize it all and really breathe it in.
The past five years have been a blur, but in between the sleepless nights and tantrums, there has been so much beauty! Moments that are so sweet, they stop me in my tracks. So now I find myself crying most nights. Crying because I’m so happy I’m sad. I’m so happy to be surrounded by all these crazy little boys, but so sad because every new day, they’re just a little bit older. Today, right this every minute, is possibly the happiest and saddest I’ve ever been.
My Carver Elton
Motherhood & Me 