So it’s the middle of February, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot in 2020 already. I’ve done some soul searching and here’s what has immensely helped me… and maybe, just maybe will help you too.
First, I took a long, hard look in the metaphorical and physical mirror. I quickly realized I needed to re-evaluate my life and priorities. I had to find some quiet moments to myself to figure out what was going well and what wasn’t. And the cold hard truth was… not much was going well. My life was afloat, not flourishing, not thriving, but simply surviving. Do you ever feel like you’re in a big body of water kicking, wading, dipping under just a little, and then gasping for air? That was me. That still is me sometimes. But for the most part, I’m feeling less like I’m drowning, and more like I’m swimming.
My first realization was probably a selfish one. I looked in the mirror, I weighed myself, and I felt embarrassed. Seven months postpartum and weighing more than ever before. I know, I know… my body has birthed 4 babies in five years, what a blessing, give yourself some grace, it takes time. I know… I’ve heard it all. But what bothered me the most was my lack of effort. Contrary to my usual train of thoughts, ice cream, chocolate, and stress eating don’t actually solve problems. So first things first, I started working out every single day. Yup, me, working out every single day. I never thought I’d be that person, but let me tell you, I love that person. I feel happier, stronger, and mentally lighter. I feel like I can breathe a little easier and the tightness in my chest isn’t so tight. For 30 minutes, I can just focus on exercising my body and clearing my mind. It’s now how I start my days. The excuses are endless, and I know this because I’ve said every one of them. My best excuse is my boys do not sleep. Most nights I’m up 3-4 times, but I still get up. Because I’ve realized that extra hour of sleep makes me feel guilty and doesn’t give me the me time I so badly needed. So while I’m still tired, waking up in the 5:00 hour to exercise is a good way to start my day, physically and mentally. I never thought I’d be that person, but now I truly crave it and can’t imagine not having that time.
What goes hand in hand with exercising? Eating healthy of course. I am a snacker and a true lover of everything bad for you. Ice cream, chocolate, chips, take out… you name it, chances are I love it! But I’m choosing to eat healthier food and drinking lots of water. I wish I could say this was easy, but it’s not. Some days I’m pretty successful, while others I completely fail. When I do well physically, I feel better, and I don’t need tums every evening so that’s a win. But let me tell you… The struggle is real. However, every time I decide to indulge in a guilty pleasure, my body feels gross afterwards. Eating healthy is hard, but man oh man my body thanks me.
Then I realized, I needed to change my mindset. Your mind is truly incredible and a very powerful thing. I needed to fill mine with positive thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. Following my exercise, I spend ten minutes reading a devotional and praying. Ten minutes doesn’t sound like much, and it isn’t, but it’s a start. It sets my mood, my intention, my soul… it prepares me for the day ahead. It gives me peace, it calms my irrational thoughts, and it helps me focus my mind on what is actually important in this thing we call life. God is helping me whether it’s with the big or the small things. That time is filling my cup up so that when it runs over, the good spills out.
So basically to sum it up, I needed some quality me time. As everyone refers to it, I needed some self care. I know it’s a lot easier said than done. I get it. I’ve been struggling to find a balance for years with this. I frequently battled with wondering how to give myself me time without taking away time or impacting anyone else in the family. Early mornings seemed like my only solution, and it’s been so so so wonderful.
Now that I’ve been taking care of myself better, I know I needed to pour into my family. For me this meant finding patience, less yelling, and finding patience and yelling less, and then finding more patience, and taking a few breaths, oh and did I mention yelling less? With little kids, it’s hard. I repeat… it’s hard, very hard! They are truly exhausting. They throw fits about everything. Who knew we’d have to sit at the dinner table again, and who knew we’d have to go to bed every night? Not my kids. It’s a surprise and a fit EVERY night. It’s like they take turns, or on a really good night they all fall apart together. So what do I do? I keep going. I try to be patient. I try not to yell. I try to focus on the good things I see and hear from them and replay them in my mind when all I want to do is yell. Do I still yell? Of course, I’m human. But I’m getting much better and have a sense of peace. Remember those devotionals and prayers I mentioned? Oh the peace and calmness it’s bringing me is life changing.
Ok so now I’m mentally and physically feeling better and my kids are alive and well so onto my marriage. Honestly, my poor husband gets what left of me and as I’m sure you can imagine, it isn’t much. I’m tired and just want to zone out. After spending so much time with little kids at work and home, I crave silence and alone time. However, I’m trying to make a better effort. An effort to make conversation, to snuggle, and to put my damn phone down. To just be in his presence and actually be present. Even if that just means watching a show together. Some time is better than no time. We’ve also been working on that whole dating your spouse thing. This is hard to do when you have four kids. Sometimes we get to have an actual date, while other nights, most nights it’s putting the kids to bed and relaxing together. Not doing laundry, not scrolling Facebook, or checking ESPN (my husband of course), but just simply being together. Actually together. Laughing, talking, cuddling, and just being.
The next realization I made was I need to stop trying to keep up with the… you fill in the name. With social media, it’s so hard not to compare yourself and your life to others. You see everyone’s highlight reel. You see their vacations and fun nightly activities. People typically don’t post their kids throwing fits. And you assume their life is easy and perfect. Their kids must behave, eat their dinner, and bedtime must be a breeze. Then you think, what the heck am I doing wrong?! But here’s the deal, comparison is the thief of joy my friends. It does absolutely no good. But I’ll admit I’m the first to do it. I ask questions like, “How can they afford Disney again?” “How can they afford for her to be at stay at home mom, and still do all those fun activities?” “How does she always look so put together with so many kids?” And the questions go on and on and on. But really, it does not matter! I am working on focusing on my family and what we get to do. It may not be everything I want, but im trying to find the joy in our activities. Days spent sledding, nights bowling, movies and popcorn in pajamas… the cost of it doesn’t matter, but my attitude and focusing on enjoying OUR life and being grateful for that is what is important.
The other week I was at my son’s school volunteering. Another mom and I got to chatting and realized we lived on the same road. I was telling her where exactly. She said, “You mean the house with a Christmas tree in every window?” I laughed and said something about yes my husband will be glad you noticed his hard work. Another dad overheard us and he said, “You mean the big house by the tracks.” I was slightly puzzled as I don’t consider my house “big” so I further described it. He responded, “Ya with the play set, trampoline, and pond.” I said, “Yep, that’s us.” Then it hit me. I wouldn’t say my house is “big” because compared to the houses in the district where I teach, it isn’t. Compared to the town I live in, it probably is considered big. So I’m busy over here trying to keep up with the, again insert name, and someone else is looking at us like “wow they’ve got a big house with a play set, trampoline, and a pond”. So I guess I say all this to let it be known that it doesn’t matter. While I’m busy focusing on someone else and assuming their life is grand because of x, y, and z, other people are thinking the exact same thing about us. None of us should be comparing our lives to others. We are all different and that’s ok. We need to find happiness in our own lives.
Which leads to my next thought… It’s ok to be average! Yup, read that again. It’s ok to be average. In today’s society, everyone is always searching for more. Constantly trying to be better and looking forward to when this or that happens. While I’m all for self development and being the best version of yourself, it’s ok to just be yourself. An “average” life, whatever that may look like to you, is a GOOD life. Most people work, have kids, and enjoy their evenings or weekends. And that’s ok. It’s good to find happiness in your everyday life. Most people aren’t going to win the lottery, retire, and go on dream vacations all the time. But day to day life is pretty darn amazing with the right attitude and perspective. Find joy in your life everyday. Don’t live for the future, live for the now, and be happy about it. Stop wishing your damn life away. Embrace it! And whatever “it” looks like is perfectly fine!
Here’s my next thought, slow down! Everyone is so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. You feel like every minute needs scheduled and you don’t know how to do “nothing”. Having no plans sometimes leads to the best days! Stop letting your calendar rule your life. Leave some time open for a “What do we feel like doing day?” It’s ok not to have your child in every sport. And listen to this… it’s ok to say no to things you don’t want to do. You do you, mama! You do what’s best for you and your family.
My final thought is something I read in my devotional book by Lysa TerKeurst. She wrote, “Great sermons are not preached. They are lived.” Wow, that’s powerful. Let that sink in. So I’m trying to make good choices and let my life, not necessarily my words, radiate love and happiness. Actions speak louder than words as the old saying goes. What are your actions saying? I’m making an effort to say less and listen more. Something I’ve done for years when I’m in a room alone or behind closed doors with my kids is think, “Would I be embarrassed of my thoughts, words, and actions or proud of them?” Now, here’s the irony… I’m never alone. God is always with me so I’m making a conscious effort to make him proud. I want to set a positive example for my kids. I am nowhere near perfect, but I’m certainly trying. I’m trying to be the best I can be, but also without being overly critical and enjoying the process. Life is not a destination, it’s a journey. Enjoy the ride, take the scenic route, breathe in God’s beauty, and find your happiness.
Motherhood & Me 